...Why?...

I hate this. I hate every part of this. If its going to happen, let it happen now. I cant do this anymore.

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 am with horrible pains. They werent the usual kind of pains a pregnant woman has, I asked around. By the time Jimmy got home at 5 pm there was no doubt...we were going in. I'd developed a headache from dealing with so much pain, and my lower abdomen was extremely sore and worn out. Taking Ethan over to a friends (bless her heart for keeping him SO long on a school night!), we headed over and at 5:30 began the looooong wait. What a nightmare in itself. There was a mess of ambulance's, broken bones (OMG this one little girl almost had me in tears!), and other insane issues. By 10:00 we finally got in.

Got a pelvic exam (normal), blood work (normal), and an ultrasound (what appeared to be normal). The ultrasound brought us so much hope because the tech seemed really cheerful and optimistic. We ended up seeing the baby and a heartbeat! I was shaking so bad while she did her measurements, I was terrified of what I'd see. After glimpsing a few times at the dates, a lot of them kept coming up as 6 weeks and one came up at 8 weeks. I was confused because I was 9w4d yesterday, but then I figured it was just ultrasound tech stuff I knew nothing about. Even by this time I wasnt feeling as excited as I should have felt. I still had a bad feeling that something was off. A small amount of time after the US the doctor came in to give us the verdict...

Baby is falling behind by almost a week and a half. Doesnt seem like much, but when they are this tiny it makes a world of difference. I have a lot of blood surrounding the baby, which signifys I'm more than likely in the process of a miscarriage. You could tell the doctor was trying to be as optimistic and kind as possible, but basically told us we were going to lose this baby. Gave me discharge papers saying it and pamphlets on it. She went on to say I could pass the blood without losing the baby, because sometimes that is possible, but to prepare myself in case it doesnt turn out like that. Blaaaaah. It was just a horrible outcome and mind numbing at that.

Now we wait. Once we left the hospital my pains got horribly worse and are still as bad. I still dont know how long I'll have to deal with it and what the outcome will be. I want to vomit at the very thought of seeing this baby and knowing it has a very high chance of not surviving.

Crazy thing is the picture portion of the ultrasound machine suddenly wouldnt work, so we didnt get a picture. Think that's a sign? I've never had that happen before.

Yeah, I'm a mess and probably wont be of much use to anyone for awhile.